What I come to
realize is to take the horrific with a grain of a salt. Or in this case,
another fifty cents entry at a bus stop used up to take you somewhere else. No,
that's not what you're worth metaphorically. I learned that hard way. Ahh, my
first boyfriend, Glen Flecher. I shouldn't have to say his real name because I didn't think of it to be a real relationship. Well, yes it was of the relationship
category, but mostly exaggerated memories that turned my floated shadows into
insecurities later down the line. I had never really understood what love was.
I kept assuring myself that it was. Three simple words made me question
everything that was supposed to be anything. I had pretended to be something I
wasn't and in that cloud of thinking I became just that. A dark cloud of my
worst impurities. A dark cloud full of shattered glass that if you look enough
away, it would have never caught your eye. A dark cloud surrounded by dead
sheep that could no longer prance in my dreams .Like a picture in the dark without flash, my flash was gone. I had crumbled into
expectations that were slowly making my cloud push farther into the sun. I was
me, but was I really?
While everyone bit their tongue, I swallowed mine.
Leaving nothing to do but to drown in a pit of hallow silence. I had tried once
to escape this drought of rain but each time another storm came barreling in.
Except the storm was much more than your typical weather. In Fact, the only
weather that occurred was figuring out whether or not to keep fighting for air
in a ocean with nothing but blood thirsty piranhas. I could not sea the tipping
point. It seemed like a never ending spear. Not like ancient Indians used to
kill their pray. Mine had multiple points which therefore came with multiple
pray. Each pray being each boundary I crossed that led me farther away to safe
territory. Except the hunting wasn't of my choosing. I was not the predator as
it would seem. There's always at least one person higher than you on the food chain waiting to watch you slip up into their unbreakable net.
Or, so I thought.
Much like a cobra, my first boyfriend thought there were very
few creatures that could obtain him with his slimy spit,scaley presence, and
fangs. Like shedding a second skin, he shed another impression on me. At first,
I thought he was just misunderstood and the fangs were just for show in tell,
but I learned later of his true meaning. The truth is that I had overlooked
many of these poisons because I always looked the other way every time he was
out for another species to dine on, but time after the next he would always say
he preferred something else to eat. Never specified what. I'm not sure he
really knew. Just never thought any would be good enough for such a caliber of
his tastings. That was the thing, he never tasted his food as soon as he killed
it. He never appreciated what he had until it was gone. I acted like a
shriveled mouse clinging on to him to try to establish a relationship that could not come to be.
It wasn't until later I became my real nature. A mongoose.
A mammal that could always be ready on their toes and dodge the attacks. This
taught me to respect myself and not hold back. I was finally gaining the puzzle
pieces back , but one piece seemed to be missing. While fighting for survival,
I had lost a sacred internal possession. I started to question if this was
really just a test. One with only one answer. One pearl in a world full of oysters.
I started to unravel a string so tightly wound it left a scar. A scar inhabited
by the shape of tentacles. Like I had been clinging on to some misfortune. I
needed to be independent so I wouldn't have to cling on to dear life. This perhaps
was the last piece. I had to trust others in order to let go. I had to let my
eight tentacles, my eight excuses swim away from the blank ink.
The way I see it, it gives you experience, so take a risk because as corny as it sounds, there is a light at the end of tunnel.
